Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a garment was stirring, not even a blouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Jeremy soon would be there.
The women were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of 9.5 inchers danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just “settled” our needs for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lust of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a pink cadillac sleigh, and eight midgets with beer.
With a dirty old driver, so lively and horny,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Jeremy.
More rapid than eagles his midgets they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
“Now Dash her! now, Dance her! now, Prance her that Vixen!
Cum on it! Cum in it! Bone her and Blitz them!
To the top of the windows! To the top of the walls!
Till all of this sweat drips off of my balls!”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the midgets they flew,
With the sleigh full of Sex Toys, and St. Jeremy too.
And then, in a tinkling, I heard on the roof
The stumbling and peeing of each little goof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Jeremy came with a bound.
He was dressed Hawaiian, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with condoms and smut.
A bundle of Sex Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pedophile, just scratching his sack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His balls were like Moses, all wrinkled and hairy!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as his Fro.
The stub of a cigar he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, to let the ladies know he’s ready!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
I felt manly when I saw him, and grabbed the 45 from my shelf!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned away so he could jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his ass,
And making a hiss sound, he shot up the flue…fast!
He sprang to his Cadi, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like Snoop Dogg on a missle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Use those sex toys I gave you, or it’ll be me fucking your wife!”